This particular song mix was designed around this great art from deviantart from a great artist called jekru.
It's like a conversation between two people.

Underneath the moon, underneath the stars
Here's a little heart for you
Up above the world, up above it all
Here's a hand to hold on to

Always turning back to you
'til you never let me down
Loving your illusions
Staring at a crooked crown

Jars of Clay-Headphones

I don’t have to hear it, if I don’t want to I can drown this out,  pull the curtains down on you
It’s a heavy world, it’s too much for me to care
If I close my eyes, it’s not there
With my headphones on, with my headphones on
With my headphones on, with my headphones on

I never saw it happening, I'd given up and given in 
I just couldn't take the hurt again 
What a feeling 
I didn't have the strength to fight 
suddenly you seemed so right 
Me and you, what a feeling 

A Tribute to

crapnahalficons

The story itself runs along the start of Eclipse, before Jacob shows up at Bella's school after her visit to Pheonix.

Jacob watched the thread of sunlight that throbbed and pulsed in the water, the way it shifted and danced in the depths in a delicate and intriguing lightshow and pondered about the necessity of coming up for air.

But the silence, the  vacuum silence and stillness was far too tempting.

Comforting.

Seducing.

He watched the waves crashed above his head, bending lights and shadows but inside the water--unlike his life, unlike his thoughts, unlike himself--was calm.

He watched the tendrils of his black hair, wisping around his peripheral vision like fingers moving in tune with some sort of untitled symphony.

He closed his eyes against the soothing lull of water, welcoming the whisper of silence that he was craving for.

Jacob had learned the virtue of silence, the value of privacy.

He embraced the sense of isolation, the disturbing feel of being suspended in motion, even the niggling claustrophobia as the water smothered his senses.

He opened his eyes and realized that he had somehow drifted closer to the surface.

The setting sun touched the reflective surface of the water, tinting it with the palest hint of red.

The color of water touched by blood.

He watched the bubbles of his breath climbed up the water, burst to the surface and wondered whether to follow it or stay behind and realized that his body was already hovering upwards, pressed and lifted by the undercurrents, pushing him slowly to the surface.

He tried not to dwell on the bitterness that smeared his throat at the irony, the implication that brought him to his earlier storm of thoughts.

He didn't fight the slow, building pressure...both inside and outside of himself but nevertheless contained it ruthlessly.

Jacob broke the tumultuous surface and instantly the wind whipped and slapped across his face, his chest and throat burned while he took in large gulps of breath as goosebumps ran up and down his skin.

He blinked the water out of his eyes, pushed his hair from his face while he steadied his breathing.

The wind was a roaring force across the smoldering sky, splattered with a dozen hues of orange, red and pink.

The piercing calls of sea birds assaulted his ears.

Then, out of nowhere, there was a whisper in the wind that had Jacob tensing where he hovered.

He looked sideways, toward the beach, his sharp eyes focusing on the two boys that stood tall and solid like the sentries they were. His brothers, the word was more than sentiment, more than even the literal meaning of the word itself. The bond was more than what they have become to each other, it ran deeper, farther then who they are, delving deep into the history of their tribe.

There was a time that Jacob resented it. The lack of choice, the inevitably of it.

"What is it?" He whispered back, letting the wind carry his voice back to his brothers. Trusting their sharpened senses.

"She's gone with the vampire." Embry's voice was careful and worried, the two prominent emotions hovered in the wind that sighed against Jacob's skin.

A wave crashed against the rocks behind him.

"She's been gone three days." Embry continued.

"The council is converging. They call on you." Quil's deeper, harsher voice joined Embry's, still tangling with the rush of wind that took little bites along Jacob's wet skin.

Jacob closed his eyes tightly, fighting the red burning anger at the implication that pushed forcefully up his spine, threading in his thoughts, consuming them, tearing them apart.

He stood in the water with the ocean waves slapping against his skin while the horizon behind his silhouette, burned.

He pushed at the anger, pushed through the pain that sliced his heart into shapeless little pieces.

With a low, low sigh, he plunged into the livid water, swimming to the beach with strong, smooth strokes.

Toward his brothers, his tribe, to duty, obligation.

To life.

Although like the ocean, life also has a knack for ignoring what he wanted.

Water's getting harder to tread with these waves crashing over my head

I look up/you’re standing next to me/what a feeling/got a feeling in my soul/love burns brighter than sunshine/let the rain fall I don’t care/I’m yours and suddenly you’re mine/and it’s brighter than sunshine
Love will remain a mystery but give me your hand and you will see/your heart is keeping in time with me

As predicted by the werewolves—don’t ask Bella how they do it—the sun was a clear bright sphere in the sky that was almost a clear blue and the ocean sparkled brightly like rows of diamonds.

She didn’t trip and fall flat on her face like she dreamed last night.

Whenever she looked up, he was there looking at her with love in his eyes. Wherever she looked, there were familiar faces; dear and beloved. Renee was laughing with Emily, Billy and Charlie was discussing the game with Phil.

Oh, she knew some people were talking about her earlier mis-wedding—how Quil titled it—which gave her thoughts about sewing a letter on her chest but after the earlier fiasco where Seth poured—accidentally of course—grape juice on the back of some old bitty’s dress, they did it far away from them which was find with her.

The dress she wore was a simple baby doll cut made out of white organdy and satin, it clung to her slim figure in wispy layers. Her little bouquet were bright yellow fresh dandelions, picked just this morning by Jacob himself who—she laughed as she remembered—waved it from behind the small crack of the door while Leah and Emily shouted threats at him if he so much as took a peek. It was tied with a yellow string pulled through tiny pieces of shells where it tinkled cheerfully with every move she made. He was wearing a black short jacket and black pants over a cream colored shirt and a gold tie with brown undertones that matched well with his tawny skin and dark eyes. His hair was in a pony tail very much like when they first met and it made her smile.

Of course, he had already taken off the jacket and the tie hung half mast around his neck, the two top buttons of his shirt were open. It was a miracle that he wore it as long as it did, and she didn’t mind. Sighing, she looked up at the cliffs that loomed overhead, squinting against the sunlight.

The wedding was beyond everything she wished for and life as she knew it; perfect. If there was any regret, it was that she couldn’t share it with the people she also considered family but she knew they would be happy for her. He would be happy for her.

Her eyes swept back to the white tent where her—her heart shudder with giddiness whenever she thought of the word—husband was talking with his brothers over—what else?—food.

She fell in love with a boy and married the man.

A man who loved her despite her many flaws. She would never take his big heart and capability to accept her the way she was for granted. Looking back, she realized that it was impossible for her not to fall in love with him, and it made sense why she didn’t realize that she already had.

Her love for Edward was something out of fairytales; fireworks and slaying dragons. It came with explosions, magic and definite outcomes.

What she had with Jacob was nothing like that because they started out as friends when they were both human. It was a love made out of a million conversation, a thousand laughs, and a hundred secret smiles. A love that came silently with every exchanged glance, flowed steadily with every minute spent together and rooted strongly with every shared secret.

The minute she realized that she was in love with him, it was too late to do anything about it.

She remembered how certain he was about his feelings and chuckled at the thought.

She jumped when two warm hands circled her waist. “What is so funny?”

She tilted her head up to look at him. “Haven’t you learned to not sneak up on me?”

“I took the chance since I didn’t see your trusty mop.”

She turned in his arms. “I was just remembering some things.”

“What things.”

“About how certain you were that I was in love with you.”

“Ah, the good old times.”

Bella rolled her eyes. “You know, maybe I should wore the heels, I’m getting a crick in my neck looking up at you like this.”

He grinned. “That can be rectified.”

Her eyes widened. “Oh, no. No, Jacob.”

Charlie sighed when he watched Jacob lift her daughter into his embrace so their eyesight lined up and started to sway in place, the bright chimes of her daughter’s laughter rose above the sound of crashing waves. “Does this surprise you at all?” He asked his best friend.

Billy shrugged. “Of course it does, though it shouldn’t, I supposed. Jacob always manage to get what he wants, eventually.”

“For all it’s worth, I’m glad you’re my in-law, Bill.”

Billy grinned. “Likewise.”

Billy tried to ignore them, but Sam’s contrived cough was getting louder and louder, loud enough to get Charlie’s attention.

“Say, Sam. You okay, there?” He asked him.

Emily hid a smile and patted her husband’s back. “He probably choked on something.”

Charlie crossed his ankles on a vacant log. “Well, hardly surprising the way you boys inhaled the food. No wonder all of you are so big. I nearly had a heart attack when I saw how fast Jacob grew.”

Billy sighed when the pack shot him a ‘get it over with’ looks. “Yeah, about that. I have something to tell you about Jacob, about the boys really.”

Charlie chuckled into his beer. “You’re not going to tell me they did something illegal, are you? They’re taking steroids or something?”

He winced and scratched his chin. “I should’ve told to you before the wedding, I suppose but, well, you know how our kids are, they would’ve probably got through with it anyway so why bother?”

Charlie wrinkled his brow. “They’re not really a gang, are they?”

Billy chuckled nervously and from the choked laughter from the spot where the pack was gathered—near the buffet table—they heard that, too. “Well, you ever hear about our legends?”

“You have legends?”

“Well, it goes like this…”

Bella raise a brow when Jacob winced. “What is it?”

“Dad is telling Charlie.”

“Telling Charlie what?” Bella spine instantly straightened. “You mean, telling, telling?”

“Do you think he would shoot me?”

“Considered the things that I was involved with and hid from him, I’m more worried that he would shoot me.”

They looked at each other and as one turned without exchanging a single word, ran away. Their steps weaved through the laughter of the pack and of the loud claps of their guests.

Since she wasn’t wearing any shoes—he wasn’t wearing any shoes either but he was used to it—he lifted her in his arms only to plop her on the back of his bike, their bags already tied to it. He gunned the engine and within seconds they were flying away. “So, where to?”

She tossed her head back and laughed, it trailed behind them blurring with the sunlight that poured over them like molten gold.  “Anywhere."

Lucky I’m in love with my best friend/lucky to have been where I have been/lucky to be coming home again/lucky we’re in love in every way/lucky we have stayed where we have stayed

“Jacob, I give up. I can’t do this.” Bella wailed and threw the pile of papers into the air. Jacob who was sitting on a couch behind her, fiddling with a mangled radio in his arms laughed. “Let Emily deal with it, she’ll love to do it.”

“Emily is seven months pregnant; she shouldn’t do anything like this.” She scowled at the schedule and lists like they were the spawn of the devil. “This is torture.”

“I told you, we should just elope. We’ll pack a few things, jump on my motorcycle and ride off into the sunset.”

She groaned and lied back on top of the papers, wrinkling them on purpose. “You have no idea how good that sounds.”

“Might as well go along with a honeymoon, we go where we want, do what we want.”

She grinned. “Live like beach bums.”

Jacob laughed. “We’ll see how much beaches we can go to on our two week holiday.

She sighed. “If only.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Why not?”

Bella sneaked a reprimanding glance at him. “You know why. Billy is an elder, Charlie is the sheriff, our family is all here and I can’t do that to Renee.”

He shrugged. “True.”

Bella tried to pep talked herself into redoing the lists but got caught in his faraway expression. “What?”

A slow smile appeared on his face. “You know what we could do.”

She really had no idea what he was thinking but she couldn’t help but smile. “What?”

“We could do it at the beach.”

She laughed. “Jacob. A beach wedding, at Forks?”

“The weather will clear up, it’s spring.”

“Spring in Forks is still cold.” She pursed her lips. “And not all of us are freakishly warm.”

He grinned, he slid down the couch and crawled towards her. “No, hear me out. I can already picture you in simple white dress, standing on the beach with the sand between our toes, the sound of waves at the background.”

“Sand between our toes?” She smiled.

“Well, yeah. I won’t put you in high heels, Bells. You’re already a menace in sneakers; can you imagine how you’d walk on sand in high heels?”

Both of them winced.

“Good point.” She acknowledged.

“So?”

She blinked. “So, what?”

“Are we having it at the beach?”

She smiled softly. “It does sound lovely and it is where we first met.”

Jacob laughed. “Yeah, wow. I didn’t think of that.”

She kissed his cheek. “The beach it is then and I already know how I want the invitations to look like.”

He raised his brows. “How?”

It took them a week but it was worth it, she loved it and because she did, Jacob did too, he also thought it was a cool idea.

Jacob threw an arm around Bella as they took the Rabbit for a very early morning ride, their invitations in a box at the backseat, clinking cheerfully with the silent rumble of the engine. For weeks, they’ve conspired in a veil of secrecy from their family and friends, doing the invitations themselves, and what choice do they have either than to deliver it themselves also as to not ruin the surprise. They’ve reached Billy’s house and Jacob reached to the backseat and pulled out an invitation.

Bella admired the green bluish color of the bottle—only one of the many they salvaged, cleaned and polished—and the rolled, slightly ripped and burned—for effect—paper inside it. “The first one.” She pushed it to him. You do it.”

He leaned down to press a gentle kiss on her smiling lips. “I love you.”

She kissed him once, twice. “I love you, too.”

They spent the morning driving around town, delivering their treasure maps and spent the rest of the afternoon taking calls about it.

Let me be next to you/ I want to understand/let me next to you/and we can watch the band/let me be next to you/under your ceiling fan/I can hear every song better/when I’m next to you

“Bella?” He called out to me from the back door.

“Over here.”

He peeked at where I was near the edges of the woods. “What are you doing? It’s cold outside.”

I smiled. “Warm me up then.”

Even in the dark, I can sense him smile. “I can do that.”

I snuggled up against his body, breathing him in. We stood in the darkness with our arms around each other. I knew he was waiting for me to explain why we were outside while our family was inside, celebrating.

“Rosalie called.”

Months before, he would have gotten tense, defensive, but now he merely gave a sound that indicated that he heard.

“She just wanted to tell me that he’s okay, how every body was fine.”

I waited for his questions but the only one he asked was something that I didn’t expect. “Isn’t Rosalie the one that didn’t like you?”

I lifted my face from his chest and tried to see his face. “How do you know that?”

I felt him shrugged. “I don’t know. Just the way you guys were around each other, I guess. What’s up with that anyway?”

I pursed my lips, wondering how much I should tell him. “Rosalie…has issues.”

He snorted. “We all have issues.”

I snuggled up to him again when I felt his hand brushed my back. “Are you okay?”

I took a second to deliberate. “Yes. Feel a little guilty but either than that.”

His hand slowed at my back and I knew he was trying to figure out how to ask me a particularly personal question. “Bells, I’m not trying to be a jerk or anything—I’m honestly curious.”

I smiled against the soft worn material of his blue T-shirt at the familiar words.

“You never told me about… what happened.”

“You didn’t want to know before.”

“I guess, I was afraid.” His arms tightened around me.

“Afraid of what?”

“Afraid that you’ll change your mind. That you realize that this was a mistake.”

I raised my head. “Are you still thinking that way?”

His eyes drifted to mine slowly, as if he was just back from some distant place in his mind. They swept over my face in one lingering sweep. “No, not anymore.”

I saw my smile mirrored on his. “Do you really want to know?”

He tilted his head in thought, his eyes still on my face. “Only if you want to tell me. It’s not important to me anymore now that you’re here.”

He lead the way to a few lawn chairs at the back yard and sat me on his lap, I tucked my chin on his shoulder. “I think…it started as early as when you disappeared, and when you showed up at my house and disappeared again. I was…upset to say the least.”

“Still sore about that, huh?”

I thumped a fist on his chest that made him chuckle. The rumbled in his chest tickled my ears. “He saw how upset I was and he offered to delay the wedding, until you came back.”

“Hm.”

The noncommittal sound made me snicker. “Not to rub your face in it but to set my mind at ease. So I wouldn’t feel guilty for worrying about you when I have other things to worry about.”

“I refused. I just wanted to get things over with.” I smoothed my hand on his chest. “It was stupid and careless of me but, well, that was how I was back then. He found me crying in the dressing room after you left and he decided to end it for both of us. I fought him of course, telling him that he was crazy, that I did love him. He said that he knew that I love him, the trouble was that I loved you, too. He didn’t blame me, didn’t cast judgments, he was willing to accept that my heart was divided but he knew that I couldn’t live with both of you in my heart. So, he left.”

“Just like that?”

I shook my head, even with how much bad blood between them, even Jacob couldn’t believe that Edward would leave me so easily.

“No, he made a deal with me. If I moved on, straighten my life, accomplished something for myself, he’ll be back for me in two years. I moved back to my mom’s determined to win the deal. Two years pass by so quickly because I was so busy and in my attempt to lose my self actually made me found myself. I rediscovered my love for cooking and for books. For the first time, I was alone, standing on my own two feet and actually having fun.”

“Then as he promised, he dropped by the café I was working in.” I sighed, remembering the day where I saw him again after two long years. Perfection, staring at her from behind the counter. “Still as beautiful, as unreal…as young and my chest felt like it would burst. I realized that I still loved him and he—amazingly—still loved me.”

“Then what happened?”

I knew the frustration leaked out of my voice. “It was wrong. It felt wrong.”

“What?”

“Me. How I was. How I am. I was different and although I loved him, I loved him so much, we couldn’t…we didn’t feel like a matched pair anymore. Like a piece that connected us back then was missing.”

“He knew it, I knew it. We broke each other heart’s again.”

I wrapped my hands around him when he held me tighter, responding to the pain in my voice.

“He stopped by sometimes after that but never long, we talked about our family, our lives. A year passed, then two and I was just about ready to turn my back on that part of me that kept telling me that something was wrong.”

I looked up at him. “But then you came bursting through my door, angry, frustrated.”

“About to be clobbered by a mop.” He said wryly.

I laughed and marveled at the way it echoed in air. “That should teach you to never sneak on a girl with a mop.”

He grinned impishly. “Dangerous things, mops.”

“The look on your face.” I laughed again, remembering.

He joined in my laughter. “Well, I was sort of confused. I thought it was my turn to be angry but you sort of caught me off guard. You do a mean mopping, you know.”

“It was in the middle of the night. You could’ve waited till morning to surprise me like that.”

“No, I couldn’t.” The smile of his face faded. “I couldn’t wait, well, I did wait for Embry to go home, I didn’t want him to know that I came to see you just in case it didn’t go so well.”

I reached for his face and smiled into his eyes. “Lucky it did.”

He swept his fingers over my cheek and smiled back. “Luck had nothing to do with it.”

Laughter broke from inside the house, in contrast with the peaceful stillness that covered us. I burrowed against him, searching for his warmth and he kissed the top of my head. “What happened with us?”

“What?” I asked, drowsy with contentment.

“Not that I want to question your decision, but what made you finally chose me?”

I smiled against his neck. “Well, that was…you’ll laugh at me.”

I sensed his eyes on me as I stared at my fingers that were playing with the collar of his T-shirt. “Why?”

“It’s hard to explain.”

“Bella, I found a loophole in an injunction for you.”

I grumbled. “I knew you’d use the werewolf card. I’m banning you from ever using the werewolf card.”

He laughed. “Explain.”

“The closest thing I can give you an example is, it was sort of like imprinting.”

He grinned at me. “Are you saying you’ve imprinted on me?”

I shifted my weight until I sat straight on his lap, my two arms crossed in front of me. “I said sort of.”

He stifled the grin. “Oh, okay. What’s that like?”

I eyed his still grinning face with narrowed eyes.

He laughed. “All right, I’m sorry. I apologize.” He pressed a kiss on my lips and kept kissing me until I softened in his arms. He chuckled when I gave a soft mewl of protest when he pulled away. “I’ll be glad to continue, Bells, but I don’t want to give them a preview.”

I blushed when laughter and wolf—ha ha—whistles erupted from the kitchen window that looked over to where we were. He looked at me, tilting his head. “So?”

“It was silly really, you remembered when you picked me up at the weekends I was to spend it at Charlie’s?”

“Yeah.”

“I was running late and feeling very frazzled. I threw whatever I need in a bag and was having a really bad day so I stopped to have a few temper tears which of course made me even later.”

He smiled at me, brushing my hair away from my face.

“I passed by my window that looked over the road and you sort of screeched to a stop and parked your motorcycle right down my opened window. Then you took off your helmet and looked up as if you knew I was there and smiled at me.”

In my mind I could still remember the day, the annoyed feeling I had over running late, the stinging pain that I felt when I stubbed my toe on the drawer, the shadow of a tantrum that I wanted to unleash, the ripple of relief I felt when I heard the sound of his motorcycle, the brightness of happiness when I saw that it was him, the slow, liquid slide that my heart made at his smile and the way the Earth seemed to tilt at its axis.

“The world changed for me that day and I knew that you were the one that I’ll spend my life with.”

I touched his face and it seemed that he couldn’t find the right words to say, so he merely pulled me into his arms.

music: Breathe Easy by Sugababes

don’t you know you’re a part of my heart and these emotions that I had right from the start are still with me, babe/ and I’m tripping over my words to say/ no one ever told me love can be this sweet, breathe in easy/ breath in easy

Jacob looked sideways at me. “Are you sure about this? We could just skip out, you know. They’ll understand.”

I smiled at the annoyance on his face. “Let them have their say, then if things get out of hand, we can always sneak out.”

“Sneaking out of a bash that is mostly made out of werewolves, yes, definitely possible.”

I snickered and squeezed his warm hand, the scowl on his face gave way to a smile. He leaned down to kiss me but the door opened in a violent move and—who else—Quil popped out to grin at them, a sparkling party hat perched lopsided on his black head. “Congratulations! Let me see the ring.”

I could only smirk when Quin pulled at my hand like he wanted to wrestle it. He spent a few seconds oohing and aaahing until after aiming a pitying glance at me he sneaked a glance to Jacob and in what he probably thought of as a discreet whisper—it wasn’t—asked, “Were you saving for something, Jake?”

“Okay, that’s it. We’re going.”

He pulled at my hand because I was so busy laughing.

“Come on, Jake. I was only joking. It’s very…nice.” Quil amended with the sweetest smile.

“Who cares what he thinks about the ring, Jake? He’s not the one wearing it. Let me see it.” Emily strode to Quil’s rescue from being pummeled by Jacob, pulling the two of us inside where we were immediately surrounded by family; loud, boisterous, loving.

After a minute Emily raised her teary eyes to mine. “It’s beautiful. It suites you.”

“I know.” I smiled back at her. It really did. It was a simple silver band but when looked closer revealed fine, intricate patterns like ocean waves.

It was perfect.

“Oooh, let me see.” Embry jumped off the couch and nudged Emily out of the way. I laughed at the bunch of tall boys, lining up to see my ring. Jacob, however, was cornered by Billy, Charlie and Sam, obviously having a somewhat serious but humorous conversation possibly at Jacob’s expense, because Sam kept having to turn away to hide a smile.

Charlie even fluttered his hand to his holster once in a while, whatever it was they were talking about, Jacob looked horrified.

I was contemplating a rescue mission when Billy and Charlie finally guffawed and traded a hug, clearly pleased with our decision.

“So, Bella.” Quil passed me a glass that…looked like juice, you always have to be careful with Quil. His dark face was serious. “You are going to go through this wedding, right?”

Jacob rolled his eyes from across the room and yelled out. “Embry.”

Without turning his attention away from the TV, Embry lifted a hand and smack the back of Quil’s head with the flat of his hand.

Quil didn’t even bat an eyelash.

I shook my head.

Leah came out of the kitchen and announced majestically; “Food.”

I met Jacob’s eyes as we followed the rampaging stampede and grinned, my heart expanded till it hurt, but I didn’t mind this kind of ache. I watched my dad, his dad, my extended family and felt something clicked into place, knowing instinctively that in this precise second, this is where I was suppose to be, this exactly where I belong.

“To Bella and Jacob.” Billy lifted his glass. “Who have found each other and endured.” His dark eyes watched us, watched our joined hands and sighed contentedly. I saw in his eyes the relief, his happiness that his son was happy. I saw him grinned at Charlie who grinned back, both of them looking younger than their years. “To family.”

“To family.” We repeated, my eyes met Jacob’s and his hand never felt more right in my hand.

music: When I'm With You by Faber Drive

When I’m with you/I’ll make every second counts/cause I miss you whenever you’re not around/ when I kiss you, I still look forward for five years from now/when I’m with you/ every second counts/

Home is a ragged mess of an unstructured design that people hesitate to call a house but nonetheless it was mine and I love the damn thing since the first second I’ve seen it, it seemed that I have a knack of knowing what I want from first sight.

I paused at the front porch, admiring the porch swing I installed just that morning. “Are you going to hide there forever?”

I didn’t turn, even when I heard the shuffle of feet, the low, irritated grumble that sounded something like; “Stupid werewolf senses.”

I smiled when two, slender hands slid around my waist and a slim female build snuggled against my back. “A porch swing.”

My heart sighed in satisfaction hearing the quiet happiness in her voice. “You said you want one.”

“I do. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

I twisted in her arms and turned to face her, touching my warm hands to her cheeks that were chilled by the fog that blanketed the grounds, looking into her eyes I leaned down to touch my lips to hers, not stopping until her breath flirted against my face in a sigh. I smiled; wide and bright as everything inside turned golden at the look in her eyes. “Hi.”

She grinned, a little foolish, a little impish, and a little shy. “Hi.”

“Happy birthday.”

A warm flush pinked her cheeks. “Thank you, again. I guess that was what the porch swing is for, right?”

“Um no. That was just because.” I circled her waist with one arm, tangling them in her brown locks as we walked to the front porch. She raised a dubious eyebrow. “Just because? A porch swing? Really?”

“Speaking of porch swings. Have you tried it, yet?”

She smiled. “No, I wanted to wait for you.”

I kissed her nose and with the hand that held her waist, lifted her high enough for her to squeal and plopped her on the swing, watching her grin at me, her brown eyes bright will laughter. I looked at her for a reaction. “Well?”

“It’s great. Come sit with me.”

“I will. Just wait a minute, okay.”

She frowned when I kept looming above her, casting her in shadow, her expression questioning when I took a deep, calming breath.

It’s not like I’ve done this before.

My hand grazed over the page of paper that I scribbled over, going over the words that I chose especially for this occasion. Mentally crossing out the words that Quil and Embry wrote in a fit of insanity, remembering the comforting and reassurance of Emily’s and Sam’s.

Okay, I can do this.

“Jacob. What’s wrong?” Suddenly, she shot off the swing, her face terrified. “Is it, Billy? Did something happen to him?”

“No. No, he’s okay. Better than OK, actually.” I added, remembering the way his father had crowed and celebrated when I told him of my decision.

She still looked worried, her eyes tight. “Then what…?” She clutched his arms. “Dad?”

Since her dad was probably celebrating with his dad that was unlikely. “No. Calm down, honey.”

“It’s the pack, isn’t it? Vampire trouble?”

I was struggling not to roll my eyes but eventually let my sense of humor saved me, doing a bang up job here, Jake, you should write a book.

“No. No, vampire trouble.” I eased her back down on the porch swing, her expression still worried. “There’s nothing wrong.”

Her anxious brown eyes swept my face, trying to read every line. “Something’s wrong.”

I shook my head, in exasperation and in denial. “Nothing’s wrong.”

Except my ineptitude to do what I intend to do, that is.

“It’s just that…” I clutched the velvet box that has been burning a hole in my pocket for a week now and pulled it out…only to be interrupted by a shrieking ring from inside the house. I shoved it back into my pocket, I was a bit worried I tore something in there.

“Damn it.”

She chuckled. “You’re the one who keeps complaining that you can’t hear it ring, obviously someone decided to help you. I’ll get it.”

“No. Let it ring.”

She peered dubiously over the front window when the shrieking continued. It sounded like an ax murder was…murdering somebody. “Maybe it’s urgent.”

I cursed Quil to hell and back again, it must be him. Only he can be so annoying even when he’s not here. The very shadow of his presence is annoying.

“I’ll get it, you stay here, okay? Don’t leave.”

She stared at me with an amused smile, pulling her feet up and curled them against her body. “Okay.”

I inched back, keeping her in my sight as much as I was able while I stomp my way to the phone. “What?”

“Hey, buddy.” I knew it, that disgustingly cheerful, smug tone can only belong to Quil. “How’s it going?”

“What do you want, Quil.”

“Oooh, someone’s in a bad mood. You chickened out, didn’t you?”

I was about to let loose a scalding stream of poison when another voice piped in. “Is that Jacob? Did he ask her, yet?”

I stared into the receiver. “Is that dad?”

“Yeah, we’re all here, waiting for the news. Emily brought food so hurry, man. I’m starving.” I could just about see the smirk on his face. “No pressure, dude.”

I opened my mouth to say something, anything to get him off the phone but another voice slithered through the lines. “Is that Jake? He asked her, yet?”

Quil chortled. “Naw, man. I think he’s going to chicken out.”

Embry scoffed and yelled at the backgrounds. “Geez, Jake. We all know she’s gonna say yes. Just spit it out already.”

“Keep your voices down.” I hissed at the phone, looking over my shoulders at her silhouette from the front window.

“Is she there?”

“Yeah. And to answer your questions, I would have if you hadn’t called.”

A smattering of laughter rushed into the lines that made a suspicion crawled into my cramped brain. “Did you put me on speaker?”

“Boys, stop bothering Jacob.” Emily’s cheerful voice crept into my ear, a distinct contrast to the snickering tone of my brothers. “Now, put that phone down.”

“Yes, Emily.” They chimed in simultaneously.

“You better hurry, Jake. “Quil whispered hurriedly into speaker as if he was struggling to keep the phone from being wrestled out of his grasp. “You never know when a vampire will come and sweep her-“

“Thanks, Quil.” I slammed down the phone so hard I think I might have broken it….on second thought, that’s not such a bad idea.

I rolled my shoulders and rubbed my face feeling like a boxer about to get into a ring. I can do this.

When I lift my face I saw her, framed by the front window and the shading sunlight of the afternoon, warming her skin.

My heart tripped and did a slow turn inside my chest.

She doesn’t care about pretty words or big gestures, if she did, she wouldn’t be with me, would she? She’s a simple girl, easy to please which of course made me even more determine to please her. I watched her combed her thick brown hair with a hand, it cascaded down her back as an errant wind played with its edges, it was so long now, reaching well below her waist.

When she tipped her head towards the dwindling sunlight, I felt my heart swell till it could burst.

She smiled when she felt the swing shift as I sat beside her and when her eyes opened the words slid out of my mouth as if had always been there, just waiting for the right moment.

“You know I love you.”

The smile on her face went wide and bright. “I know.” Then the look in her eyes shifted, I know she was remembering the same words in another time. “You know how much that’s more than enough for me.”

I felt the smile curve my lips, everything inside me sighed with that everyday miracle. “Yes.”

The sky was burning with a thousand shades of gold, pink and orange behind her and when a small fragrant breeze brushed against our skin I was completely convinced, that there will not be a more perfect time than now. “Bells. “ I reached for her hand and the smile on her face softened.

“Bella, honey. Will you marry me?”

the speakers in this door is blown so nothing sounds quite right/
I drive this ocean road and remember/ waving this town, goodbye/and how the girls could turn to ghosts before your eyes and the very dreams that lead to them are keeping them from dying/and how the grace from which she walked into your life/will stay with you in your steps and pace with you a while

Driving doesn’t give me the same thrill anymore—I can run faster now—but it still has its moments. Nowadays, I relish whatever simple solitary pleasures that I come upon, whereas if I phase I can go a lot faster, it lacks privacy, the type of privacy that normal people can depend on when they climb into their thoughts where no one can interfere. There is no helping it and there’s no sense in whining about it, so whenever I get a few moments to myself, I go for a drive.

It was easier that way, for me, for the others and they know better to complain or ask about my sudden disappearances.

It’s not like they don’t know where I go.

Not my destination, but the place where my mind wanders, where my thoughts dwell as I drive aimlessly around town.

It is in these few moments where I let myself revisit the small room in my mind where I put everything that reminds me of her. No small feat because lately, everything reminds me of her, even the smell of the salt that hovers in the misty air.

It is in these few moments where I open myself again to the kaleidoscope of my love for her, where I make myself see her again, smell her again, talk with her again, as the usual when one is visiting an old friend.

Remembering our conversations and the feelings that resulted from them; our heated words that trembled with anger, the whispered promises drowned in tears, the breathy comments choked by laughter…and the stabbing, twisting ache of goodbyes.

The memories were still clear, unchanged, untarnished by time, by choices, by actions. Every second of our time together will unwind in my mind like a ball of yarn, only needing one small jerk for it to give. Our exchange of words hush against my heart like a well read book; worn and tattered by loving fingers.

So, I watch, I listen, I feel…just along this small space of time between this moment and another. And when I am finally finish, when it is time to come home, I will step out of that room and—like so many other times—close the door, locking it behind me with a distinct click where she and my own young self—as I remembered us—will wait for my next visit.

The throbbing pain in my chest when I walked into the dressing room and saw her in a white dress surrounded by her bridesmaid was nothing compared to the one I am feeling now.

I was saying goodbye.

Again.

It seems, these last few days, we were always saying goodbye no matter what words we used.

"I made you a promise, Bella." I smiled. "Guess I have to stick by it."

Regret climbed out of her brown eyes, darkening them until it was almost as dark as mine. "Jake-"

“So, I’ll be here, Bella. Whenever you want… need to come back. I’ll be here. It doesn’t matter who or what you are. If you come back, I’ll be there for you.”

“Whatever you need, whatever you want.” I stared deeply into her eyes so there would be no doubt that I meant it. “It will be yours.”

The breath that tore at her throat was a breath of relief, the tears that slid out of the corner of her eyes were of understanding, as if she shared my pain, recognized my sacrifice. I swept my thumb over her damp cheeks, drying them, memorizing the texture, the feel of her skin. “Bella Swan," Her name felt like something fragile, something that could break apart into pieces if I said it too hard, "I love you with all my heart. And I will always will.” The solemn vow spilled out of my lips so clearly, so easily as if it somehow belonged. “Until my heart stops beating.”

I felt her hands gripped my wrists that held her face close to mine--the bracelet I gave her glinting brightly in the sunlight--as if not wanting to let go.

"Jacob." She choked out between the tears.

“I wish you well, Bella. Wish you all the happiness in the world.”

"Jacob, stay, please."

I shook my head and detangle myself from her arms.

Even as I burst out of my human skin in the nearby woods, my ears caught the sound of her ragged breath and felt the slide of her tears against my skin.

All I am is you/ it’s all I want to be/ and all I crave is you/ please hear me/ How can I take back each drop of rain that falls/ And all I am is you or nothing at all/ I don’t want you to fade/ I don’t want you to slip away/ I’ve tried but it seems that I’ve failed/The weakness in me has stained/It won’t washed away/ It won’t let me sleep or get through the day

I couldn’t quite remember the amount of times I did this.

Running myself ragged until exhaustion made me stumble, phasing back into my human form just as I was about to fold onto the ground in an unmoving heap of pain; going home only once I’d gotten so tired that I could do nothing but crash into a dreamless sleep.

Sometimes, when the pain was too great—when the memories were too vivid, when my feelings were too raw—I would continue to run, run until my mind blanked, until instincts took over and my human side disappeared with the added distance.

Like the memory of kissing her—the memory of when her lips came alive against mine—God, that was the worst and best of it all. The bittersweet memory of when she finally told me that she loved me—really loved me—that was a slow, agonizing pain that made my heart ached in ways that I never knew it could. Our long walks down the beach, they way we muddled through mud and rain on our motorcycles, every memory brought another fresh bout of pain that bullied my heart into submission.

I didn’t know how long I laid there in the rain and the mind numbing pain, but when the sun broke through the clouds and touched everything within my sight with gold, I figured out what I had to do.

I promised her, and damn myself if I didn’t stick to it.

I stood up with a jerk of my body and wiped the rain from my face with a trembling hand. Shaking my long hair, I snapped my head back and let loose a determined howl that trickled out of my human throat and exited through my wolf one.

And I ran. This time, to her and not from her.

I promised her that I will always be there for her, so now… I had a wedding to go to.

It felt like the world/Fell from my feet/Gave up on myself/You didn't give up on me/Let myself go/You were still there/Like coming home

Coming up for air/ You make it easier to be/easier to be me/it’s hard to believe/you make it easy/

Bella was restless; with waiting, with worrying, sick of herself really. Sick with her own company. She threw down the wet sand in her palms to the beach with a splat, concentrating on the grittiness it left between her fingers. She looked at the strange sand hill she made at her feet and picked up the same handful of sand and after creating an almost perfect ball, dropped it again to watch it break into shapeless bits of sand, she knew there was a metaphor in there somewhere but she refused to see it. Instead, she picked up two handfuls this time and threw it away as far as she could, which of course, wasn’t far. She glared at the destroyed shape as if it offended her and all her ancestors then stomped toward it and picked it up again, smooshing it in her hands into a bigger ball and tossed it into sea.

She picked up another handful and repeated the movement, again and again until her arms ached.

“Okay.” She jumped at the low familiar timbre of his voice. “Are you practicing for the softball team or something?”

She turned, the scowl on her features dying a quiet, peaceful death when her broody eyes stumbled upon his amused smile. “I got bored.”

He chuckled. “I thought you were doing the pitching version of karate kid or something.”

She stifled a smile at his silly attempt of a karate yell.

He eyed the little holes that riddle the beach around where she stood and raised a brow. “Been at it a while, huh?”

She kicked sand at his ankles, taking offense at the look on his face. “I got bored.” “Hey, I just washed these.”

“Then you know how to wash it again.” She watched with satisfaction when a lump of wet sand got stuck to his jeans. But the glee in her heart stuttered when she saw the gleam in Jacob’s dark eyes.

“You know what this means.”

She blinked and eyed the pile of sand that was getting higher in his large hands. She backed away. Slowly. “Uh, peace and prosperity?”

His eyes narrowed on her retreating feet then return to her eyes, a sneaky grin on his wide lips. “War.”

With a screech, Bella turned and ran as fast as her legs can carry her, hoping very hard that she won’t trip. “Jacob.” She dodged a sand ball and threw up her hands in front of her. “We can talk about this.”

“Talk? Talk is for weaklings. Surrender puny thing.”

A laugh bubbled up her throat as she jumped over another that was aimed at her feet. Amazingly, as she ran—laughing all the way—she didn’t trip or stumble. It was always like this with Jacob, he was always able to take whatever she had left—shattered and broken pieces—and made it work.

A squeal—something she never heard from herself before—ripped at her throat when he got a hold of her waist and lifted her over his shoulders. The laughter sputtered and died when she realized what he intend to do, saw the white wash of the waves.

“Jacob. No.” She pinched whatever she could reach but he merely laughed at her pathetic attempts. Her vision shifted and she was off his shoulder but a few inches from the ground, held in the air by his two arms like a child. “You wouldn’t dare.”

“Surrender or drown in the churning waters of death.”

She bit her lip to stop from laughing at the mock threatening look on his face and narrowed her own eyes. “Never.”

“So be it. You will die.”

“If I have to die, I’ll take you with me.” She twisted in his arms and tangled herself with him, making him lose his balance.

“Wait, Bella-“

They fell all over themselves into the water, stared at each other in the vacuum silence, watching light bend and twist on each other’s faces before they broke the surface.

“That was uncalled for.” Jacob gave her a sullen look after he pushed his hair out of his face.

Bella’s answer was to splash him in the face which he took with a resigned sigh.

Giggling like children, they made their way to his house, only to laugh again when they saw the look on Billy’s face when he met them at the porch.

“Bella got bored.” Jacob said, as if that explained all. Billy merely shook his head which made them start laughing again. After changing their clothes—she borrowed an overlarge T shirt—Bella palmed her mug of warm tea, watching Jacob dig around the cupboard for something to munch on.

“Aha!” He salvaged a bag of unopened cookies and opened it with relish. “What?” He asked when he saw she was watching him. “You’re not feeling sick, are you?”

Bella smiled. “No, I feel good.”

The smile—her smile—brightened up the kitchen they were standing on. “Good.”

I remember when you said life was hard on you /and I remember when I watched you come undone again/And I still feel now, all the damage kept inside/all the walls that you built up, and all the bridges you burnt down/ In the end, it comes down to, I'm the one always around/Come to me. I'll set you free/Come to me/Make me believe you'll/ come to me/and I will help you crawl/won't let you fall, show you how to breathe/So come to me

He watches her stand with her back to him, her slender hands around herself to guard the cold away. He knows she is not watching how the rain pelted the ground, or the way it slithers—silver and cool—along the crooked surface of the earth. No, she is far away from here, among pale hard skins and golden eyes.

It hurts her to remember, he thinks, he doesn't need to see her face to know that, he only needs to see the hunch of her shoulders, the way her arms tightens around herself, moving to grip at some invisible hole on her chest.

Well, there is something he can do about that.

Bella let out a muffled scream when Jacob lifts her up with one hand around her waist. “Jacob, what are you doing?”

He frowns at her in a patronizing manner. “Bella, I think it’s about time you do something around here rather than day dreaming around.”

“Jacob, let me go.” She glares unimpressively at him from her perch under his arm which he meets with a bright grin. “And I do things. I cooked, yesterday.”

“Come on, Bells, it’ll be fun.”

He tosses her on a cast iron table that stands beside the Rabbit, its engine sprawling in an inelegant manner. “Now, where was I?”

“You were going caveman on me.”

He snorts out a laugh, not even a smidgeon of apology in his smile. “Oh yes, see Bella? You’re helping already.” He beams at her and she can’t quite hide the smile on her face.

“Pass me the monkey wrench.”

Bella sighs, resign to her fate. “Here.”

He holds the tool across his chest with two hands. “Do you know how to use this?"

“I have a few ideas.” She mumbles darkly and crosses her hands but Jacob merely laughs—the bright, cheerful, happy sound is enough to make her forget that it is raining outside. The rumble of his husky voice that creeps around the room as he explain what he is doing is familiar enough to keep her darkness away. It doesn’t take long for Jacob to persuade her to stand beside him as he work, pointing to the various things that she never really think about before, and soon enough, she is smiling again, laughing again.

music: Hold Nothing Back by Copeland

Do what you want but I know who you are/ say what you want but I know what you're thinking/ go where you want but I won't be to far/ go where you want and I'll know where you'll end up/ if you fall in love withhold nothing back/I’ll fall in love withhold nothing back from you

I stifle a smile when I hear her feet shuffle across the uneven ground near the garage, right on time. She can be so out of it sometime, but once she decides to do something, she can be quite task oriented. I suspect she has some type of OCD. Just yesterday, I turned away from whatever I was working on, curious to what she was doing since she was being so quiet and found her wiping and reorganizing my tools. The blush on her cheeks when she realized she got caught made me spend the next thirty minutes teasing her over it.

Maybe it is OCD, or maybe it's because she has a one track mind, I notice that it always took her ten minutes to walk from where she parks her truck to the garage. She'll trip of course—considering the treacherous terrain—then will spend exactly three minutes getting rid of the evidence of mud and grass stains, musing over why it was so green here, then proceeds to stomp her foot towards the remaining distance.

I continue to tune into the sound of her movements but kept working on the engine with my greasy hands, chuckling when I hear her surprise gasp as she stumble over a rock or some other thing, smile when I hear the flapping sounds of cloth against a solid object—most likely cleaning the dirt from her hands and knees. The grumbling and the distempered sound of her footsteps draw another smile from my lips.

Clumsy, temperamental Bella.

Like clockwork, she arrive at the garage, where—I notice again—she'll spend exactly one minute to watch me move, her face puckered into a frown as she tries to figure out what the hell I was working on.

3...2...1, I count in my mind and wait for her to ask the question that she always asks whenever she found him working on something.

"What is that?"

I smile before turning, like clock work.

I’ll fall in love withhold nothing back from you

Jacob licked his lips, trying to moisten them but his mouth was just as dry. He must look like a complete nut job, staring at the pay phone for a full five minutes before he could finally make his hand lift the handle, not that there was anyone to see him anyway, he could keep staring at the phone for another hour before the sun come up if he wanted to.

He leaned heavily against the pay phone, tired out of his mind, not fully conscious that he'd already dialed her number.

It was a shock to hear her voice coming out of the phone.

"Hello? Hello?"

His breath caught at the sound of her voice, breathless, hopeful. Like she was actually waiting and ran all the way to the phone.

"Hello?"

A small smile cracked his brittle facade when he heard the panic in her voice and something like a shuffling sound, as if she was juggling the phone, almost dropping it in her haste.

Close the phone. Now. This is a stupid thing to do. What was the point of running if you're gonna call her anyway?, Jacob ruthless closed the door to his sane self, and relished the sound of her voice. He closed his eyes and let his consciousness delve into the vivid tone of her voice, careful to not breathe into the mouth pieces, to not give any hint of his identity, readying himself for the stinging pain that would come when he would hear the telltale sound of her hanging up, waving the call away like an irrelevant annoyance, forgetting all about it a second after.

Another connection severed.

He promised himself that he wouldn't call, that he wouldn't think, that he wouldn't establish some kind of connection. Jacob always knew his place, his obligation, his duty to his tribe, to his family. But when it came to Bella, he kept breaking promises, kept pushing limits, kept crossing over lines.

"Jacob?"

Something exploded in his chest at the tiny, painful hope in her voice and the pain ripped at his spine, tore another gash at his bleeding heart that he couldn't restrain the gasp that escaped his lips.

How? How did she know it was me?

As if she knew, as if she knew that his immediate reaction was to hang up, she blurted her words, they tumbled all together, awkward and clumsy out of the speaker. "Don't hang up. Please, Jacob. Talk to me. Are you okay? Where are you? When are you coming home?"

Don't worry, I can't run that far/ My legs can't carry the rest of me that far

Jacob choked on his own heart that swelled at the pleading in her voice, at the tears that shivered just along the edges of her words.

"Are you hurt?"

He didn't want to answer her, didn't want to talk to her. He only wanted to listen. "Jacob. Talk to me."

Jacob pressed his forehead on the glass door, calling himself every inch a fool; a masochistic, pathetic, sorry bastard and--as always--gave her what she wanted. "I'm fine, Bella."

Hie clenched his eyes tighter when he heart her sob harder, in relief this time. "Where are you?"

He didn't even bother to think, he'd stopped noticing where he was when a month passed. "Somewhere."

"When are you coming home?”

He took a deep breath but didn't answer. "Come home, Jacob. Please."

He was still not immune to the pleading, the pain in her voice. "I will."

"When?"

Again, he didn't answer, he didn't know the answer, all he knew was that he wasn't ready. He could almost hear the slide of her tears, taste the salty grittiness in his tongue and his heart pleaded for him to say something, anything, lie if he have too.

"Don't cry." He begged her.

"Come home." She begged back, her voice wobbling and the sound of it set off a whole other set of pain that stung his eyes. "I will, Bella. Don't worry about me."

He listened to her breathe, imagining her standing by the phone, gripping it with both of her pale, little hands.

"I.... want to see you. I miss you."

He breathed against the jagged edges that sliced through his heart, his free hand pressing against the glass door until it cracked, a sharp piece cut his palm but he didn't feel it. He only watched the slide of crimson on the cool, transparent surface. "That's not fair, Bella."

Don't say that. Don't do this to me.

He could see her; her shoulders hunched, biting her lip. "I'm sorry."

"No, don't be."

Don't be, because the pain was sweet as much as it was bitter.

Don't worry, you'll still be able to place me/You'll put your finger right on me

“You are coming home, right? I'll see you again?”

He heard the words that was not said, before I leave, before I change, before I die,...before the world  cracks and ends.

The laugh that rumbled at his throat was riddled with helplessness, hurt, self mockery. “Yes, you'll see me again."

I want to see you again.

They listened to each other's breathing, the silence was louder still with question that whispered back and forth in the space between Forks and...somewhere.

“Bella?” His voice cracked at the end, sounding so completely at odd with his body; lost, child-like.

“Yes?” Her voice was still so hopeful, as if waiting for him to tell her to wait by her doorstep because he was on his way.

“Do you love me?” Silence reached his anxious ears and he closed his eyes again, listening to the absence of her breath.

“Yes.” She answered with a voice that hinted of nothing else but love, of longing, soothing his wretched soul and with it he took a long breath that seemed to fill him from the top of his head to the soles of his feet. “Okay.”

Not a second sooner, the sun streaked the morning sky, its warm fingers edged through tree tops and glinted through windows and finally reached the glass doors of the pay phone, filling it with a hundred golden hues.

All it touched was cool glass and steel smeared with red for it was empty. Vacant. 

Jacob was a passing shadow along the grounds, running, escaping the light with muffled steps, carrying with him the words that was precious above all others.

And all I want from you is love

(My legs can't carry the rest of me that far