Vampirism: (n) 1. The condition of being a vampire, marked by the need to ingest blood and extreme vulnerability to sunlight. 2. The act of preying upon others for financial or emotional gain. 3. A gigantic pain in the butt.

Welcome to the fascinating world of the undead! Please use this guidebook as a handy reference as you make your first steps toward eternity. Inside you will find information on vampire nutrition, relationships, and safety. But before learning about your future, a word about our past…

There are many alternatives to drinking human blood, including synthetic blood and animal blood. Warm-blooded animals, such as pigs or cows, are recommended, as reptilian blood tends to be bitter. In order to make synthetic or animal blood more palatable, we suggest microwaving it for thirty-eight seconds at 75-percent power. Dropping a penny into the blood (after microwaving!) also gives it an authentic coppery taste.

Loved ones may be upset by your unexplained three-day absence. If you’re not comfortable talking about your newly risen condition, try plausible explanations like a severe stomach flu, emergency dental surgery, or temporary amnesia.

While it’s tempting to try to resume your normal social activities with still-living friends, you must understand that some people will have difficulty adjusting to your new condition. Warning signs that loved ones may be planning to stake you include a sudden interest in carpentry and staring at your chest to gauge where your heart is located.

New vampires are discouraged from trying to return to their normal human routines. Especially if those routines include tanning or working as a fireman. Your day will not end well.

The bond between sires and the young vampires they create is sacred and should be respected.

Indoctrinated by years of secrecy, many older vampires have histories they may not want to share right away. It’s best to respect their privacy.

Try to avoid conflicts with other vampires until you can gauge their strength and control your own.

The World Council for the Equal Treatment of the Undead was created to protect the rights and interests of vampires of all ages. If you are summoned by a council official, it is in your best interest to respond promptly and answer all questions honestly. Hiding from the council will only work against you.

While most vampires develop special abilities, some do not. If you run into vampires who do not have gifts, it is not wise to mock them. They still have vampire strength.

Trying to blend groups of friends from the living and undead worlds can be difficult. It’s better if social events involving both the living and the nonliving do not center around food. Some more comfortable themes include poker games, bowling nights, and historical reenactments.

Vampirism can lead to a wealth of new and exciting career opportunities, including overnight-delivery driver, stunt person, and custom perfume blender.

Vampires can be territorial and possessive creatures. While it makes them passionate and exciting lovers, it can also make them terrifying ex-lovers.

When you encounter unpleasantness from the human population, try to keep in mind that you will be able to dance on their graves long after they’re dead. It’s a cheering thought.

Because vampires tend not to trust perceived bias in human media sources, they depend largely on “word of mouth” to stay informed of current events. This can lead to a localized and somewhat limited world view.

Never leave a vampire social gathering without thanking your host. A faux pas like this can lead to feuds lasting hundreds of years.

Sexual relationships can prove difficult after turning but no more difficult than they are for the living.

Remember, you’re much more flammable now than you were in life. So live every day as if you’re soaked in gasoline.

Dueling is a time-honored tradition among vampires and is closely monitored by the council. Do not enter into a battle without first consulting a Council representative.

You cannot control your family’s reaction to your new lifestyle. You can only control your reaction to your family. It’s best if that reaction does not include eating your family.

Remember that life, or unlife, is what you make of it.

il-overlord/evil-general/evil-terrorist/evil-cheerleader/evil-mastermind/evil-whatever-and-is-hell-bent-on-destroying-the-world-and-everything-in-it-and-their-little-dog-too” laugh...yeah, it’s probably safe to say that he or she is EVIL. It’s always a good thing when you spot who’s who in this kind of situation.

16.When someone is monologuing as in doing the “I-am-an-evil-scientist/evil-overlord/evil-general/evil-terrorist/evil-cheerleader/evil-mastermind/evil-whatever-and-is-hell-bent-on-destroying-the-world-and-everything-in-it-and-their-little-dog-too” speech...take the chance to SHOOT HIM before he finishes it. Especially if he adds addendums and caveats such as “I’m only doing this for the greater good and everyone else is just too stupid to see it”, then you should just SHOOT HIM because he’s annoying. Kick him in the nuts AFTER you shoot him when he also whines about how he wasn’t breast fed as a child and his sister used to dressed him up as a girl.

17.When someone is acting way too goody two shoes, AVOID him or her, the person is bound to get betrayed and blown up to bits or worst yet, turns out to be the EVIL MASTERMIND.

18.If you see someone wearing a big and long jacket on a hot summer day and he enters a building after doing the nervous shuffle of the...um...nervous, all squinty eyes and sweaty face....yeah...DO NOT ENTER THE BUILDING.

19.WHEN SOMETHING IS WAY TOO MUCH TO BE TRUE, IT PROBABLY IS.

20.The enemy of your enemy is your friend is a much tried and true theory no matter where you are and what language you speak...you can always betray *cough*...I mean, go your own way later.

21.ADAPTABILITY is a good trait to have. Having focus as in I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE ALIVE attitude is great, but it doesn’t hurt to broaden your horizon a little bit and if you can screw around with some bad guy’s plan and get all their riches, all the more fun for it.

22.BAD GUY is really a fluid term, for example; when you have a gun pointed at you, it might be wise to consider him/her your friend and persuade that person that from that day on, you are his or her best buddy....you can always..uhm...prove the person that he might’ve misunderstood you further down the road. (see? Adaptability, if you have any reservations about this theory; watch ELIZABETH SWAN, WILL TURNER and CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW in PIRATES of The CARRIBIAN, those guys raised the ‘ADAPT to the situation’ concept to a whole new level.)

23.DO NOT worry about HONOR when you’re fighting for your life, don’t wait until you’re in a face to face combat; get behind them, when they’re down kick them even more, do not wait until the decided count, hit them with something heavy to make sure he stays down, aim for the nuts. Worry about HONOR later when you’re about to die and you’re absolutely SURE there’s no way out.

24.Pain? What pain? That pain you feel is just weakness leaving your body!

25.A good poker face is not as good as knowing when and how to lie with your face and body.

26.Looking menacing is good but usually only gets you into fights, looking harmless is better since people usually underestimate you...and when they do, kick them in the nuts (figuratively and literally). HARD. The faster you reduce your opponent into a mass of quivering nerves, the more that people will leave you alone.

27.When it comes to guns, size doesn’t really matter. The count of bullets however does. But, stick to whatever’s comfortable and the one you actually know how to use it.

28.Retreat is such an ugly word, use fall back instead.

29.If you have to die, do it in the flashiest, most flamboyant, most surprising way. Take a few bad guys with you just for spite, and better yet, see if you can work an explosion in it. Usually, people who dies this way, doesn’t really die in a movie.

30.You’re in an ACTION MOVIE, hence, there will be a HERO, get close to him or her but NOT too close or you’ll end up as one of those people who gets to be a hostage or gets to be made into an example by the bad guys.

31.DO NOT be one of those hysterical person that questions everything and freezes everytime there is gunfire, these people usually dies first or killed by their own friends because they’re ultimately annoying...or you know...get eaten by zombies.

32.DO NOT be the only BLACK DUDE in the movie, they usually end up worst than dying. Usually eaten or tortured. Ah, hell, don’t be a minority ethnic person or you might as well die in the first five minutes.

33.When you’re in a one to one gun fight where both of you are hiding behind walls and pillar and such, don’t do one of those silly ‘alright, I shoot than you shoot and we’ll run out of bullets together’, for crying out loud, as soon as he finished shooting and hides, just wait quietly until he gets all fired up and gets out of his hidey hole to shoot you THEN shoot him.

34.Mass of the body is a large spot to shoot at, but seriously, shoot them in the head to avoid all that messy scenes where it turns out that he’s not dead after all. GO FOR THE KILLZONE. Chop their head off if you have the time and burn their body if you’re paranoid enough.

35.When you’re stuck in a gunfight behind cars, don’t insist on shooting his upper body which he will hide fiercely, go for the feet or whatever limbs that are poking out of his hiding place. An ear, a nose, a toe whatever.

36.If you’re a guy, ALWAYS suspect when a pretty, hot, sexy, woman slides into your space like she wants nothing more than to be your sex slave. GO BACK AND READ RULE NUMBER 19.

37.When you’re hiding weapons, pick the biggest, meanest hand gun you have and stick it somewhere not so obvious...usually people get impress or smug and think they’re so smart for finding it that they don’t see the derringer that is tucked inside your waistband. Misdirection, always a good thing.

At my bro's suggestion:

38. Never underestimate Rambo as merely "the boat guy"...that road leads to madness and many flying bullets.